Jordan's Jottings

* 5 1/2 Weeks left in Grand Rapids and at AQ

* New school starting this fall

* Living in an amazing one room apartment starting August 15

* New major = Real classes

* Florida for Easter

* Beautiful weather lately

* Starting to see life in a new way

* Just thinking…

I’d first like to start off with stating that in my better days I had always scoffed at the idea of conformity and that I was all about being an individual. I was all about staying true to yourself no matter how much you got looked down on, judged, teased or whatever for it. Being true to yourself was the most important ideal that I had because if you weren’t true to yourself, well then what were you?

But times change and so do people and as you grow up you realize that those ideals that you held close as a child are not so important anymore, or if they are still important they have to be altered in order to make sense in the world that surrounds us all. My ideals have changed. My perceptions have changed. I have learned and grown and seen and done things that have all contributed to who I have become and to the stop that I find myself in right now.

But Jordan, you ask, why does your title say “the innate need to conform?” Well, I’ll tell you. It’s because no matter how badly you want to be individual, no matter how much you think that you are different and unique, you’re not. Surprise surprise. You are unique just like everybody else. There’s even psychological tests done on the innate need to conform. I challenge you to go to Youtube and to search for the elevator tests. They were done a while back and what they would do is one person who had no idea that a test was taking place would enter an elevator and then a few plants would enter the elevator as well. And these plants would face the wrong direction, whether it to be to a side or back wall. And eventually the person in the elevator who was being tricked would turn to face the way everyone else was. In their heads they knew that it was the wrong way, but if everyone else was doing it, it made them uncomfortable and they eventually turned the wrong direction to conform. To fit in. To belong.

This is where I’m at and this is what I’m struggling with. This need to fit in. To belong. I find that I have spent the past few years of my life being this person that everyone wanted me to be and in doing so I have lost who the real me is. I was so intent on pleasing and helping everyone around me that I forgot that sometimes you need to put yourself first. And what I’m finding is that because I don’t know who I am I have lost my place in society. I have lost the spot where I fit in. I am the puzzle piece sitting on the edge of the table that no one seems to be able to find a spot for.

Now I’m not saying that I need to fit in all the time, and I’m not saying that I have completely lost all that I am, but I have stumbled quite a bit and it is a rather big challenge trying to pick myself up. You see, superficially I have everything in my life put together. I am trying out a new me and this new me is happy and confident and has a plan. However, when you look a little closer and search a little deeper this is not so. I am insecure and introverted. I am quiet and most times I find myself feeling a little unhappy. And it is this deeper part of me that is craving to fit in and belong.

So I ask you. What do you do when you’re halfway between the laying flat on your face and standing straight up proud with your head in the air? How do you find the happy medium? How do you sift through the years of falsities and lies and come up with what is right and true? Because I’d really like to know. I have an idea. I have the beginnings of a plan, of a path. But I know that I probably won’t be able to do it all on my own. That I don’t want to do it all on my own. Sometimes a little company and a hand to hold are all that you need to make the sun come out on the darkest of days. Even just a smile from a passerby.

And this is where I am. This is where I stand, where I sit and where I lay. Halfway between a child and young woman. Somewhere between who I thought was and who I know I will become. And while part of me is hurting and wants to belong, another part of me is excited for this next chapter and this next adventure. Excited to discover what the future holds and what it will bring.

I leave you with one last thought. One last idea. Lately, a special person in my life has been teaching me that things are all about perspective and that if you can change your perspective on things then everything doesn’t seem quite so bad. While I was driving home the other day I was listening to Sister Hazel’s acoustic album Before the Amplifiers and right as they’re about to play the song “Change Your Mind” a member of the band says “It’s not your life. It’s how you look at it.” And that really struck home for me. Really brought the idea of perspective into play. So chew on that. Think about it, mull it over. And let me know what you think. Where you stand. Where you fit. Because life isn’t only about the ups and downs, it’s about the ins and outs too; the entrances and exits of the people that will change you for the better.

<3 JEH